As you read through this, it is important to know that the Rape and Abuse Crisis Service of the Finger Lakes (RACSFL), Inc.  is here to give support, education, and comfort to teens who are now or have been involved in a relationship with an abusive partner. We realize that when a teenager is being abused either physically, emotionally, or sexually, it takes a lot of courage to talk to another person about that experience. The decision to remain silent may have serious consequences, now and in the future. If you choose to call us, you can be assured that your confidentiality will be respected.

If you need information or support in handling a relationship with an abusive partner and feel more comfortable having someone else call (a friend, a trusted teacher, parent or minister), ask them to contact us.

DATING RELATIONSHIPS: 

CARING OR CONTROLLING?

Teen dating abuse exists in our high schools but many teens know nothing about it. Most teens don't  recognize certain behaviors as abusive. The fact is, most batterers begin their abusive behavior early in life ( middle school, high school, college). Many times these signs go unrecognized and lead to further violence in the future.

WHAT IS DATING VIOLENCE?

Dating abuse is any act by one dating partner that is used to obtain power and control in the relationship. It happens in many ways. It may begin with verbal and emotional "put-downs" or criticisms, which hurt the other's self-esteem and promote feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and guilt. Physical and sexual abuse may follow.

Early Warning Signs of Teen Dating Abuse

If you are dating someone who:

  • does all of the decision-making for both of you without consulting you first,

  • calls you on the telephone more than once a day, on a consistent basis to find out what you are doing,

  • is jealous and possessive toward you, won't let you have close friends, and checks up on you,

  • has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for the problems in the relationship,

  • treats you badly or embarrasses you in front of others,

  • hits, shoves, or throws things at you when he/she is jealous or angry,

  • expects you to be interested in everything that interests him/her,

  • criticizes your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs, and actions on a consistent basis,

  • threatens to harm you if you leave, puts you on a pedestal and says, "You need me to protect you."

  • has rigid likes/dislikes and ideas about the ways things should be done.

 

These are only a sample of controlling behaviors that an abuser may use to obtain power over a dating partner. Sometimes, the signs of an abusive partner occur early in the relationship. Other times, the abuser will try to gain the partner's trust and commitment before displaying these signs. Either way, it is important to be aware of uncomfortable feelings and take steps to leave the abuser as soon as possible.

WHAT ARE SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF BOTH AN ABUSER AND A VICTIM?

There are various characteristics that are common to abusers and others that are common to victims.

ABUSERS -

  • May have intense, dependent relationships with their victims

  • May have many friends, be well liked by others, and may even have special talents

  • May have extremes in behaviors and moods (becomes easily angered, overdoes nice things, etc.)

  • May have been abused themselves or ob­served others being abused

  • May abuse alcohol or other drugs and may use this to justify abusive behavior

  • May be protective of dating partner to the point of controlling that person

  • May have difficulty expressing feelings

  • May have a dual personality (in a rage at one moment and then calm and apologetic the next moment)

  • May have certain ideas of how men and women should act (example: men should be strong and not show emotions; women are helpless and passive)

VICTIMS -­

  • May fear their partner's temper

  • May try to avoid conflicts and disagreements at any cost

  • May have poor self-esteem and a poor self-image

  • May experience physical problems such as headaches, nausea, and other stress-related symptoms

  • May spend all free time with the dating partner

  • May avoid friends or end relationships to avoid anyone finding out about the abuse

  • May have physical injuries such as bruises, black eyes, etc.

  • May take the blame for the abuse

  • May insist on getting permission from the dating partner before making plans with others.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

It is important to be aware of the fact that these relationships are not abusive all of the time. There is usually a pattern to the abuse. Tension may build up, physical abuse may occur, but then this may be followed by the abuser apologizing and promising to change.

Listed below are some reasons that are frequently given by a victim when asked:

"Why do you put up with it?"

  • Embarrassment about what other people may think if they found out about the abuse

  • The victim's belief that only he or she can help the  abusive partner get better

  • Belief that control and consistent jealousy are signs of love

  • Belief that the partner will change or that he or she can change that person

  • Belief that everything will be fine when the partner's problems are solved

  • Friends may think that the abusive person is great and pressure the victim not only to stay in the relationship but also may make that person feel guilty for thinking about leaving the relationship

  • The dating partner promises never to be abusive again, and the victim believes that promise

  • Fear of leaving the relationship because the dating partner threatens or harasses when told about plans to end the relationship

  • Low self-esteem, as a result of emotional and verbal abuse, may result in the feeling that he/she will not find anyone better and does not want to be alone.

 

OK, I UNDERSTAND WHAT AN ABUSIVE DATING RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE. IN WHAT WAYS IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DIFFERENT?

A healthy and nurturing relationship takes a lot of hard work! Mutual trust and respect are necessary. When two people have been dating and are feeling comfortable in a relationship, the following dynamics are usually present:

  • You feel safe to express your feelings

  • If one of you wants time alone, the other accepts it

  • You encourage each other to have friends and to enjoy activities that you do, either separately or together

  • You have open and spontaneous communication

  • You each take responsibility for your own behavior and happiness

  • You both learn from and accept mistakes

  • You deal with conflict directly and resolve it

  • Neither of you attempts to control the other

  • Your relationship allows individuality, freedom, and personal identity

  • You deal with anger in a way that does not hurt the other person, either physically or emotionally

  • You both encourage the other's personal growth, change, and exploration of interests

  • You regularly accept flexibility and compromise

  • You do not need to act submissively or seductively in order to please your dating partner

If you think that your dating relationship contains some signs of abuse or if you think that it is time to end the relationship and need support, please do not hesitate to call.

The Rape and Abuse Crisis Service of the Finger Lakes, Inc.

(315)536-9654 Yates County

(315)781-1093 Ontario and Seneca County